Building Self-Esteem   By Candace Cartwright Dee, Ph.D.

We all have a self-concept, that is, some concept of what we are. We might be athletic, artistic, tall, or funny. Self-esteem is one component of self-concept. Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves or how we value ourselves.

Research has linked poor self-esteem with depression, suicide, low academic achievement, susceptibility to peer pressure, and delinquency. Therefore, self-esteem is an important condition for successful life adjustment.

Children, at an early age, begin to evaluate themselves in the areas of scholastic competence, athletic competence, social acceptance, physical appearance, and behavioral conduct. Sometimes, children can discount areas where they feel less competent as being unimportant, thereby maintaining a good self-esteem. For example, a child who feels less competent in sports might say, "That's okay because sports are not very important to me." This child will maintain good self-esteem because there is not a discrepancy in what he believes is important and what he believes he can do. Low self-esteem is the result of a discrepancy between the importance of an area and how competent the person feels in that area. A child who sees scholastic achievement as important and who perceives himself as doing poorly in school will have low self-esteem.

Research has linked the positive regard of important people in a child's life with self-esteem. Parents, peers, teachers, siblings, and others play an important role in a child's self-esteem. If a child feels loved and accepted regardless of his or her behavior, that child's elf-esteem will be high. If a child feels that the love and acceptance of others is conditional on his or her behavior, then that child may have a low self-esteem. Conditional positive regard is devastating to self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem may exhibit the following behaviors:

A reluctance to learn new things or an avoidance of challenge. Children with low self-esteem may ask parents for help or refuse to do things by themselves.

Frequent negative self statements ("I can't." "I'm not good at anything.")

Excessive criticism of others or down playing the achievements of others, particularly siblings.

Reactivity and dependence on external cues. Children with low self-esteem may be highly sensitive to verbal and non-verbal cues as they search for feedback on their performance. They react strongly to some cues, such as a frown or sigh from parents. This occurs, despite being assured that the negative cue was unrelated to their performance.

Overreaction to mild anxiety-provoking stimuli such as time constraints, healthy competition, or constructive criticism.

Easily influenced by peers.

Very reactive to the ups and downs of daily life. Failure can be devastating, even on minor projects.

Suggestions for parents:

Take a look at your parenting style. Parents who are warm, accepting, concerned and affectionate often have children with high self-esteem.

Check your interests against the interests of your child. A child who likes to read all the time may struggle in a family who likes to attend every sporting event in town. Or a child who wants to play sports all the time may struggle in a family who reads all the time. Be accepting of differences! Celebrate differences!

Create a harmonious home through clear and fair rules, consistent and fair discipline. Allow opportunities to discuss disagreements within the family.

Be familiar with your child's strengths and weaknesses as well as his or her present level of ability. Make reasonable demands for performance based on improvements by your child rather than comparisons with peers, siblings, or developmental milestones. Discourage your child from making those same comparisons.

Establish "family time" on at least a weekly basis. Decide on a time when the television is turned off, the phone goes unanswered and the family spends quality time with each other. Allow each child to choose the family activity on a regular basis.

Let your children know that you have confidence that they can do things on their own. Refer to past struggles and point out how they were able to overcome them. Avoid bringing up past examples of failure.

Assign your children manageable age-appropriate household chores. Expect them to complete the chores everyday with minimal reminders. Use specific task feedback and reward close approximations.

Be sure to encourage and support your children. Do not make love and support conditional on a child's efforts or behaviors. Make sure that your children know that you may be displeased or disappointed in a behavior but that they can always depend on your love.

Model good social problem solving skills. Stress using words to express feelings and use discussion as a way to solve family problems. Help you children identify their feelings through reflective listening ("You look disappointed about not winning the game.")

Encourage children to develop a wide range of skills and hobbies that they can feel successful at. Remember that self-esteem is developed through evaluations of ability in several areas, not just academic achievement.

Information taken from The National Association of School Psychologist document titled, Self-esteem A Handout for Parents, written by Tracy Simonson, Ph.D.

	To the sea ....
Go places you've never been....		To the mountains....
Oh the places you could be, when you read.

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